Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I think they could have phrased this better
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
“no gods no masters” = leo