Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I want to meet the individual who made this
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
#titanic
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner