Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.