I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
You Might Also Like
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Velcrow