Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner