My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
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Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic