I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Why are bridges so flammable.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE