Why are bridges so flammable.
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
no regrets
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car