My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”