[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!![]()
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
The point of your 20s
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.