[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
You Might Also Like
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My safe word is Worcestershire
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.