If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Reporter: *ports again*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.