I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
This classic never gets old . . .
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?