I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
True
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner