I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
![]()
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale