[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
just having fun
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure