I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
reviewed some movies recently
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.