Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
#Caturday
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
BRO LMFAO
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The three genders.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them