My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.