Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.