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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.