surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
You Might Also Like
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.