I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
🤣🤣💀
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.