I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
as is their right
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.