North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
next question.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.