Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
You know…for fall…
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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