Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
why no one uses midhusbands
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Not😆🤣
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Thursday Thought.