Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.