@ShootyDoody

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

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@Moi_RaRa

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

@writerPT

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

@continentlbkfst

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

@TheDrunkStory

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

@DannyZuker

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

@DanMentos

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

@Stellacopter

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

@1followernodad

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.