Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.


Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.


*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No


Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started


Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*


[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday


If I text you “πŸ€”πŸ₯ΊπŸ˜πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜­πŸ˜₯πŸ€¨πŸ˜”πŸ˜˜πŸ˜”πŸ˜πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜‰πŸ€¦β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜˜πŸ˜ŠπŸ†πŸ™„πŸ€”πŸ™„πŸ˜πŸ˜”β€οΈπŸ’πŸ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.