Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When I laugh on my period
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.