*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity