Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?