[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
That eye roll….
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”