*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me