My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
You Might Also Like
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok