Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
😅🤣😂
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.