[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
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My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
i think we should see other cousins
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
This came to me in a dream.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you