my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
O Wise One….
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Sing it!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago