You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
This kid is a star!
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”