goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in