I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries