Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”