“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!