“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Follow me for more life hacks.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My dress code is business-casualty.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.