[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.