Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.