AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
wow
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts