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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
😂😂
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
mumsnet is amazing
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994