To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
had to share :’)
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.