Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
so much to do
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit