Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
You better watch out
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…