I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.