“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
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*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
happy friday
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Finally a use for spoilers…