I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Sunday
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers