Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?