[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.