old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
You Might Also Like
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Salad is the decaf of food.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”