I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism